Boy do I love to exercise, there’s nothing like the sound of these old knee joints popping and crunching as I  go through the latest Zumba/WII Fit/ Cardio Jam torture . . . er,  I mean routine. I especially enjoy my beloved spouse of 23 years glaring at me when I don’t show the same enthusiasm for this masochistic regimen of mindless agony that she displays:  “See sweetie, your gasping, moaning and sweating more than a politician under a recall vote is a sign that it’s WORKING.”

Bah. I would do almost any exercise if you could make it FUN. Make it fun AND competitive and you got me.  Make it fun, competitive and something that can be abused when not functioning as part of an exercise session and it becomes subversive and wildly desirable. I am talking about the Exercise Ball. There are legions of fun routines that engage the core (the trunk we used to call it in the old days before new math). Almost any standard callisthenic type of regimen can be altered to include the Exercise Ball. Sit-ups, push-ups, knee bends leg lifts all get much more intense with the giant ball o’ fun. There are a veritable plethora of videos online to incorporate into the workout. When you are first learning how to use the Ball, I would suggest purchasing throw mats or some type of thick exercise mat for softer landings. You may be wondering where the competitive /subversive pats come in.  It is along the lines of, “Two men enter, one man leaves.”

For this duel, you will need two of the large balls and two of the smaller balls. Using the larger of the two balls you lie belly down on the larger ball, your “second” helps position your feet on the smaller. Your worthy opponent mounts upon their own glorious steed of inflated rubber balls within arm’s reach. On the count of three you then attempt to knock your opponent off their perch OR lose control of the smaller of the two balls. This will get noisy. Make sure there are no electronic appliances anywhere nearby. Preferably you will do this outdoors, on rubber flooring out of view of the faint of heart. Variations include wielding various plastic weaponry and toy shields.

A bad spill can be embarrassing or monstrously hilarious. Is it too late to use spooky adjectives? Monstrosity? Devilishly? I think I missed the boat so lets move on.

This past weekend, I got to rejoice in the misfortune of a stranger. Poor fellow took a nasty spill walking up to his front door. Not sure if the sprinklers were recently working or some kind of freak sheet of ice covered his concrete walkway to his front door (SoCal so not likely), or perhaps misusing new exercise products, nonetheless it was quite glorious.

His arms flailed upwards while he tried to use one of his hands to hold on to the grocery bag he was carrying and the other to maintain his balance in a weird pose like a half-demon on a Dore engraving. In slow motion, right before my eyes, his body angled itself toward the ground and the expression of his face spoke of inevitable shame, humiliation, and a possible doctors visit if the landing is botched. I thought to myself, if only he had a thick exercise mat, better yet, stunt mats to cushion his fall.

A quick split second passes, he’s on the floor, the grocery bag is in the air, and he covers his face as if it were to land on him. It misses him by a hair and I try with every ounce of my strength to hold in my laughter as I run across the street to help him up. He’s okay.

He lost his footing. However, I did notice, he’ had no welcome mats or walkway mats. In a quick fit of opportunistic sales tactic, I hand him a card and point him towards our website. He stares at me blankly…