Posted on: June 17th, 2013 by Kelly Green
It has been brought to my attention that most of my blogs are high in humor and low on information. I agree. Therefore I shall try my best to keep the humor to a minimum and increase the edification quotient.
Three men go on a hunting trip together and decide to stay at a local motel before the big day. As they walk across the entrance mats and are checking in to the motel, the clerk says, “Okay guys, that will be thirty dollars for the room.” The hunters each pull out a $10 dollar bill and give it to the clerk. Soon after they leave, the clerk remembers that this week all rooms get a special rate. Calling over the bellboy, he gives him 5 dollars. “Quick, take these 5 dollars and give them to the three men in room 207. The rate is $25.00 per night for that room NOT $30.00.
As the bell boy is riding up the elevator looking at the five dollars, he realizes that he can’t divide the 5 dollars evenly between the 3 hunters. “I know, I’ll just give each of them a dollar and call it a night.” Saying this to himself, he pockets two of the five dollars and continues to the hunters’ room passing by many beautiful door mats. The bell boy reaches the room in question and knocks on the door, “So sorry gents, you were overcharged for your room! Here is one dollar each.”
The hunters originally paid $10.00 each for the room, they all received $1 dollar back from the bellboy so in fact, they each paid $9 dollars for the room. $9×3=$27.00. The bell boy pocketed 2 dollars. $27.00+$2.00+$29.00. . . Where did the other dollar go?
The motel where they stayed had an outdoor TireTuff™, CleanScrape, Eco friendly flooring, outdoor floor mats, and a color coordinated entrance logo mat. They approached the front desk on a matching vinyl runner and stood on an anti-fatigue marble rubber mat whist registering.
Another runner led them to the elevator where yet more anti fatigue mats gently caressed their feet as they glided up to their room. They also noted that this particular hotel had a weight room with rolled rubber flooring. In addition, a side room offered massages on an eco-friendly 2” thick yoga mat with an unbleached, natural cotton shell, stuffed with 8 pounds of pure, natural, untreated cotton batting. All these products provided by MatsMatsMats.com.
Posted on: May 24th, 2013 by Kelly Green
A man’s brain works differently than a woman’s brain. After reading this one sentence, if you’re a woman you are thinking, “Duh.” If you’re a man you’re thinking, “Prove it.”
Although the brain is essentially the same bio machine, how it functions and its physical makeup is very different for each sex. Men have more gray matter, women have more white matter. White matter is responsible for learning, emotions, processing sensory and relational information while gray matter controls memory, spatial relationships and logic.
Women have 86 percent of their total amount of white matter in the frontal lobes. Men do not have any white matter in the frontal lobes of their brains. Gray matter in men is evenly distributed between the frontal and bilateral lobes, but in women it was found almost completely in the frontal lobe (84 percent).
So, women learn faster with an ability to control their emotions better while communicating how they are the boss in the relationship. While man is in charge of the TV remote and remembers how to get to the store for snacks quickly.
You may be asking yourself, How does this relate to door mats or mats in general? Observe.
Wife, “I hate the color of our kitchen mats.” (Emotion)
Me, “Didn’t we just order those anti fatigue mats?” (Memory)
Wife, “But I think when we refinish the cabinets, it will clash.” (Processing sensory information)
Me, “So maybe we should forget about re-doing the kitchen and stay with what we have.” (Logic)
Wife, “That’s what you said when I had you redo the rubber flooring in the garage and look how great that turned out.” (Learning) Besides, if you don’t get me those new floor mats, it will be uncomfortable sleeping alone in the bed.” (Processing relational information)
Me, “Why would you be sleeping alone”? Oh, On it. Where’s the phone?” (Spatial relationships)
As you can see, communication between the sexes is possible if you just understand the way each sex communicates.
Posted on: May 15th, 2013 by Kelly Green
First impressions are incredibly powerful. The first young man who walks through my doorway asking permission to take my daughter to the church social had best be on point when it comes to manners and appearance. Take into consideration one of the guidelines I have found to clarify my position with hopeful young men on the subject of first impressions.
â€œI am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.â€
I have several other rules regarding first impressions and young men seeking to date my daughters, most advice concludes with warnings of shovels and large empty plots of land.
But I digress.
First impressions are powerful. If I come to your place of business and the first thing I see is a raggedy, faded, undersized, entrance mats or indoor carpet mats it immediately starts you out at a distinct disadvantage and as you may have surmised, I am not as forgiving as I could be.
Nice, crisp, colorful, logo mats from MatsMatsMats.com can go a long way in developing a fantastic first impression. It shows that you care what we, the consumer, think when we enter your premises for the first or fiftieth time. It shows you want to create a first impression and that you care about the interior of your establishment as well.
Conversely, having rotting, nasty, dirty, slovenly commercial entry mats makes me want a shovel and an empty plot of land. Figuratively speaking, of course.
Posted on: May 15th, 2013 by Kelly Green
I am always looking for things to do with my children. Someone once gave me this bit of sage advice, â€œThe hours are long but the years are short.â€ With a 10, 12 and 14 year old, I have experienced this first hand. As any parent can tell you, it seems like once the little people enter your life, if you blink, they age a year.
I remember growing up in a theatrical family, where we were always putting on homemade plays, skits and sketches. The highlight of the show was always me with my headband pretending to work out on my exercise mat and my older sister Tap Dancing with bottle-cap taps, on a cement floor in our garage.
Tap dancing has always been my favorite form of dance; making noise while you slap your feet on the ground, learning a time step, how to shuffle off to Buffalo. I learned to tap when a local high school needed a little kid to tap for a production of Gypsy. Here was something I could do with my kids.
Getting the tap shoes was an expensive but easy process but getting the right surface on which to tap proved a bit more difficult. It had to be portable, with a hard striking surface yet have some give and traction. After experimenting I came up with two, 6â€™x8â€™ plywood floors, covered with a Matlay Dance Floor â€œskinâ€ from MatsMatsMats.com that I secure with vinyl tape which I also got at MatsMatsMats.com. Â Now I have portable, professional looking vinyl dance floor that I can lay down anywhere and give the kidlettes basic tap lessons. My son has had me in for a father/son talent show that had us time stepping in tandem on the flooring. I even had a couple moms ask me where I bought the Marley floor.
All of my kids can now tap better than I, having received lessons at a local dance studio but we all get together and they teach me what they have learned. My wife asked if I could expand the flooring enough to learn ballroom dancing. . .yikes!
Posted on: May 8th, 2013 by Kelly Green
I lose my keys. Why? I blame DNA. My father lost his keys and his father before him and when my great, great, great, great great great great great great grandpa came home from a night of carousing with his fellow caveman, he probably lost the keys to the family mammoth. I have tried everything I can think of to prevent key loss. I put them on a carabineer and clipped them to a belt loop.
47 broken belt loops later, my wife demanded I lose the carabineer.Â I have purchased remote electronic devices that, when you press the button, are supposed to cause the paired key chain to loudly â€œchirp.â€ I lost the stupid remote. I purchased a zafu zabuton set and tried meditation.Â It didn’t work for my keys, but my organic meditation cushion has proven to be beneficial nonetheless.Â I even paid my daughter to follow me around and if she found my keys before I did, I would give her a dollar. I ended up with a rich little pick pocket, now I jump at shadows thinking itâ€™s my daughter about to steal my keys for a dollar.
Every man I know has this problem. This got me thinking. How can I stop this pitiful cycle of unrelenting key loss? How can I make sure that my own son will never have to plaintively whine, â€œHoney, have you seen my keys?â€ Why are all of those public restroom keys attached to objects that are big enough to require their own zip-code? AHA! If I could attach my keys to something I deemed vital, important and large enough that I couldnâ€™t lose it, my suffering would finally end. Sadly, my wife refused to volunteer.
I did manage to find this Key Chain Baton. I discovered the idea while watching martial arts movies.Â Large enough that losing it will be more difficult but it also has the potential to serve a purpose. The Kubotan, developed by Grand Master Takayuki Kubota, is a self-defense device which doubles as a key chain. Originally developed to be used by police officers, the Kubotan technique has revolutionized the concept of unarmed self-defense for not only law enforcement officers, but also karate enthusiasts and everyday citizens. Easily found on the MatsMatsMats.com website along with many other martial arts supplies.Â It also feature a DVD and book outlining simple self-defense techniques that utilize the mini baton. Now I shall never be without my keys again!Â Now, where did I put my glasses?
Posted on: April 30th, 2013 by Kelly Green
I feel old. At 50, I realize I shouldnâ€™t, but the abuse that I have put my body through is catching up with me. As a former tumbler (not on gymnastic mats), performer and physical comedian, I have seen more than my share of tweaks, bumps and bruises.Â I guess I wasn’t landing on the softplay tumbling mat that got me started as a kid.Â I had a lot of kid play mats growing up.Â As I get older, I am finally realizing that all the whining my own father did about back pain, creaky knees and sore joints, Â was not only valid, but a glimpse into my own future. I am constantly amazed how the older I get, the wiser my dad seems.
So now, when my wife suggests a pleasant afternoon in the garden, all I can think of is the amount of pain my creaky old knees will soon be complaining about. Part of the problem is trying to get comfortable kneeling for extended periods of time. If youâ€™re not on a squishy, squelchy, wet patch of soggy grass, youâ€™re kneeling on the cement that borders the expensive plants that are trying their darndest to die.
It seemed so easy, get something to kneel on that resists water and is soft enough to ease the pain of ancient joints. Some type of anti-fatigue mats or something.Â What I found online was a veritable plethora of flower prints, cute bugs appliquÃ©s or tiny things that barely fit one knee, let alone two.Â So I went to my â€œgo toâ€ sight for all things mat-like, MatsMatsMats, and sure enough, there they were. A kneeling pad, of course!!Â Large (14â€x21â€) dense (1â€™ thick) and MANLY (solid black) no cutesy little ladybugs crawling across the surface, no delicate little plants, daintily decorating the pad so that all my other tools laugh and tease it. This mat looks like you could use it on the side of a busy highway to rest on as you change the tire of your Hummer.
You can get a discount if you buy them in an affordable six pack (and what guy would refuse to buy a six pack?) I also found them to be a great alternative to stadium rental cushions.Â I now have to decide if it would be appropriate to bring to church.Â Wooden pews, beware.
Posted on: April 23rd, 2013 by Kelly Green
Thereâ€™s nothing more exciting than the first day of spring . . . what can I say, I need to get out more. The Ides of March are now safely in the rear view mirror and the onset of warmer weather rapidly approaches on fuzzy feet. Here in California, that means beach excursions are right around the corner. Surveying the bathing suit landscape has made me realize that unless I want to be mistaken for a wayward whale, I may need to shed a few pounds before venturing outside in something less than a hazmat suit.
MatsMatsMats has already supplied my household with a veritable plethora of fine choices for svelting down my ample Orwellian figure. (Orson Wells NOT George Orwell) and I have written in the past of such items as the exercise ball, the fitness flooring and kids carpet.
Today I would like to expound on the virtues of (pause for dramatic effect) the workout glove.
If you are delaying the actual choice of exercise till you find the motivation to begin said regimen, nothing tells your ever-loving spouse that you are committed to the process of slenderizing oneself than buying matching workout gloves. MatsMatsMats has a HUGE selection of gloves to choose from. Everything from a delicate pink to a more manly camouflage.
If you know me, you know I prefer products that can be multi-purposed or re-purposed and these bad boys have â€œbatting glovesâ€ written all over them. Maybe even James Bond-esque driving gloves! (â€œYes, Miss Moneypenny, thatâ€™s shaken not stirredâ€)
The true purpose of these gloves is to use them in conjunction with weights to use a traditional approach to fitness. They also can be used to help cushion your hands when exercising, doing yoga, calisthenics or any other program that requires writhing on the floor gasping for breath.
Now that I have made that â€œfirst stepâ€, I have decided to reward my efforts by treating myself to a martini and an exploding laser watch
Posted on: April 17th, 2013 by Kelly Green
When someone mentions meditation to me, all I can see in my mindâ€™s eye is an old guy shouting, â€œSERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW! â€ But when my darling better half said she needed a Zafu to go with her Zabuton, at least I knew better than to say, â€œGesundheit.â€Â If my rather excitable little wife wants to invest in some inner peace quality time, all I have to say is, â€œYes please.â€ And, â€œHow soon can that be delivered.â€
For me, if push came to shove, I would admit that a little down time, meditating on, where Iâ€™ve been, where I am, and where I am going, would probably be very beneficial . . . right up to the point where I grabbed the remote to find out what the score was or the phone to order a meat lovers pizza.
However, my wifeâ€™s interest in this product led me on a merry chase as I looked for these specialty items. Imagine my surprise when I found all these products and more at MatsMatsMats.com. Did you know that the type of stuffing can make an immense difference to the meditator . . . er,Â meditate- ee. . .um practitioner.Â The covering come in cotton, eco cotton, silk (although if you have a silk Zabuton with a silk Zafu, I have no idea how you would keep from sliding off the mat into your Zen garden.
I also found something more along my lines with a meditation bench. (Of course I also picture me using it next to my mini fridge.) There is a Shiatsu Massage Mat there that I have been eyeballing. I wonder if I can convince my wife that giving me a massage will count as a workout for her.
Posted on: April 8th, 2013 by Kelly Green
I am afraid of my wife. If you knew her, you would be too. Donâ€™t get me wrong, I love her with every fiber of my being but she scares the bejeezus out of me. I pity the zombie who wanders into our house in the upcoming zombie apocalypse.Â Â Other men claim to have a wife who is a â€œknock outâ€. Mine quite literally, did knock me out when we first met.
In college, I was doing a play in which I had numerous prosthetic appliances attached to my face. I was in the laborious process of taking them off, when I caught a glimpse of a cute friend of mine in the reflection of the mirror. Excited, I bounded up, whirled around and leaped to her, grabbing her hand and kissing up her arm. . . It wasnâ€™t my friend. It was my wife to be, however, at the time we had not met. In a painful flash of elbows and heels I streaked to earth. I woke up just as my face was hitting the linoleum.
Although the story has a happy ending (23 years of marriage) at the time I was thinking, as various parts of my face were rudely displaced by an ever so solid floor, â€œGosh, a soft flooring would sure be nice,â€
Thatâ€™s where MatsMatsMats.com comes in, I could list hundreds of floor types that would all have been softer to face plant onto. Whether itâ€™s bounce back tiles, a softwood flooring product or just some good old rolled rubber. Matsmatsmats has everything to make a hard landing into a soft landing. Speaking of soft landings, they also have martial arts throw mats for the next time your wife throws you over the couch to get the remote.
Posted on: March 21st, 2013 by Kelly Green
Have you ever noticed that a woman rarely asks for those things that she needs? She may say, â€œIâ€™m thirsty.â€ But much like the character in â€œWhite Men Canâ€™t Jumpâ€, you can bet that she doesnâ€™t want you to bring her a glass of water . . . unless she does.
Iâ€™m lucky that my wife of 23 years is so straightforward. If she wants a glass of water, sheâ€™ll say, â€œNext time you get up, would you bring me a glass of water?â€ (of course what she really means is â€œIâ€™m thirsty and if you wish to sleep in safety tonight , youâ€™d best get up and fetch me a glass of ice water with a lemon wedge and 2 freshly plucked mint leaves and sooner rather than later.â€)
So when my darling better half mentioned that the floor in the kitchen was cold in the morning, I knew immediately that for the sake of my continued health, I would need to seek a remedy. I thought about buying long kitchen mats or some type of anti fatigue kitchen mats that would keep her feet from touching the cold floor and be comfortable. Nope, we already had one and it didn’t warm her feet enough when she stepped off the mat onto the floor.Â I bought her extra thick socks. Nope, they made her feet sweat when not in the kitchen. I raised the temperature on the thermostat. Nope, she needs it to be frigid at night so she can put her ice cold feet in the middle of my back (something about my garbled muttering under my breath must lull her to sleep).
I was about to buy a cat and glue it to her slippers when it hit me.Â There has GOT to be something on the internet to solve this. Brushing aside the heated subfloor section I noticed heated floor mats complete with adjustable Hi-Lo â€“ Off switch. It comes in two sizes and is perfect for that ever so cold kitchen or bathroom floor.Â I decided to get a heated footrest in our home office too.Â The lord and protector of the manor triumphs again.
Now I just have to decipher her apocryphal musings about what a dreamboat Hugh Jackman is. (Wonder if I should strap on Ginsu knives and leap around in tights.)